Are you an entrepreneur dad working endless hours, chasing bigger wins, but feeling like something's still missing? In this powerful episode, Phil Bohol uncovers the real reason entrepreneur fathers risk losing their families - and it's not the long hours or missed moments you might expect. Discover the dangerous "success trap" that keeps high-achieving dads stuck in a cycle of chasing the next win, and learn how this addiction to achievement can unknowingly create generational curses that affect your children's future relationships and self-worth.
Key Moments:
[05:30] Understanding the Success Trap - How achievement addiction creates a dangerous cycle
[12:45] Breaking Generational Patterns - Why your father's absence affects your parenting
[18:20] The Morning Lesson - A powerful story about teaching discipline to a 4-year-old
[25:15] Practical Solutions - How to break the cycle and create healthy success patterns
Phil shares vulnerable insights about his own journey and provides actionable strategies for entrepreneur dads to maintain their ambition while staying emotionally present for their families.
Learn how to fall in love with the process instead of chasing external validation, and discover why being "successful" might be the very thing keeping you from true fulfillment.
Perfect for ambitious fathers, business owners, and leaders who want to build a legacy without sacrificing their family relationships. This episode provides the wake-up call and practical blueprint needed to break free from the success trap and create meaningful connections with your children.
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The real reason entrepreneur dads lose their family is not because of long work hours or missed moments. It's actually a psychological trap that I had to learn about. And if I didn't, I would have probably ended up losing my family, not gonna lie. And these are things that we don't really talk about because a lot of people are new to the game or they're just figuring things out as they go, not really taking the time to look back on their journey and say.
Where are my years of opportunity? What could have happened the good the bad the ugly and how do I make sure I prevent that moving forward? And so today I'm gonna be really talking about some of these dark truths about Entrepreneurial dads and the burden of leadership that we do have to carry The the very first thing that I want to talk about is what's called the success trap When we think about the success trap It's What people like us, you know, we're probably come from the same cloth, which is why you're, you're, you're here.
You're watching these videos and we want to be successful. We've come from poverty. We've come from a third world country. We've come from the ghetto. We've come from somewhere where we're not supposed to be successful. There's no family or friends that have shown us that that success was in our nature.
But for some reason, we're the black sheep were the underdogs, and we want to prove something, especially to ourselves that we can do it. So we enter what's called a success trap. And if there's ever anything that you can imagine in your life that you've accomplished the moment you accomplish that thing, whether people didn't believe in you, you didn't believe in you.
Something happened where you finally got in. You got that rush of dopamine. You got hit with all of these good feelings that You did what you didn't think you could do and what other people didn't think you could do. And so you kind of like Got this chip on your shoulder, but what happens is you start getting addicted to wins You start getting addicted to achievements And so what happens with these cycles is you work towards something you work towards a goal goal goal goal goal and the moment you achieve It you basically climax up here, right?
And once you do that once you hit the pinnacle the top the apex then you get that dopamine hit But what happens? You start going down after that, and so we find the next thing to focus on, and we start working our asses towards it again to reach higher heights, to achieve, to succeed more, and then we get that dopamine hit we were looking for, but the moment we get that dopamine hit, it literally lasts a day, then what happens?
We start going down and down and down and down, and because we're not used to winning because of where we come from, We start getting dependent on those dopamine hits. We got, we start getting dependent on the feeling of winning. And this is not good because if we're always chasing that feeling, then nothing's ever really going to be good enough.
And as we all know, if, if we've been able to come from poverty, come from the ghetto, come from all these places where like money really was scarce, at least in our minds, So it's a winning. We start chasing that feeling too much. The further it gets away from us, it's kind of like dating. Right? And when you start to do that and feel that and want that, then you start having this thing where you're constantly trying to validate in yourself that you can do it again.
Right? It's kind of like this mentality of like, Oh, shit. Well, if I got myself from point A to point B, how do I know I can keep this going? Well, the only way to do that is to chase the next thing that's going to give me that hit. Right. And if I get that hit, then I know that I'm on the right path, but it's, it's kind of like drug abuse, right?
Like if you've drank or done drugs in the past, you already know, you think that it's going to make you feel better. You do the thing and you don't really feel better for long after that. You feel the hits and the benefits of it for the short term. But what happens? You got to take the next hit to feel good.
And then what happens after that? Then it's called drug abuse. So this is kind of like dopamine abuse, success, abuse, success addiction. And if you start to understand that this is something to look out for, and it's a dangerous thing because if nothing's ever good enough, you're always constantly chasing something.
If you're always constantly chasing something, Then you always have to do the next thing. And if there's always a next thing to do, you can imagine how much time you're gonna start to spend away from your family because you're so focused on these things that's gonna give you those hits that you start to forget what's really important in this life.
And that's something to be aware of. Because this leads into the next thing, which are generational curses, generational patterns. When we think about, you know, what generational curses are, it's, let's say that, you know our grandfather was never really around for our father. And so our father, Is it grandfather?
Is it somebody? Great grandfather? No, it's probably grandfather. Grandfather wasn't around for dad. Dad didn't really learn because he never had it from his father how to be the father. And so for us, we get what our fathers know, or think they know. And so for us, when we start feeling these voids of, well, you never told me you're proud of me.
You never told me you know, to be proud of myself. You never taught me how to be a man. we're getting the best that our fathers could give us in those moments. So when we think about how our grandfather was with our father, how our father was to us, how we are is how we're going to be for our children. So if our normal becomes chasing and chasing these dopamine hits, everything that we do is not good enough.
So we have to chase the next thing and the next thing, and we keep raising the bar at every level. Then again, we stop experiencing how to be present in life because the things that we seek in life are always the thing that we're chasing. It's never the now, it's never the moment, it's never the presence.
So how, how does this, affect our children? Well, They start to see, right? So like my daughter, she asked me last night and she said, Dad, can you wake me up when you wake up? Cause I don't like it when you're up so early and it's night time, right? She doesn't understand that just because I wake up at 3am doesn't mean I'm waking up in the middle of the night.
Even though that's what it is, to me that's the start of my day. So, she actually asked me to wake her up this morning. And I said, you know, 3am is a little bit early, I want you to get a good night's rest. How about I wake you up a couple hours after me? I'll wake you up when the sun is coming up so we can watch the sunrise together.
So I woke her up closer around 6, 7 o'clock. And this is because she's modeling. What she sees, not from what I said, I didn't, I haven't told her the concept of discipline and waking up early until last night as I explained to her why I wake up so early. She started to model, and she's been doing this for a while now, starting to model the desire to want to do this thing that I'm doing.
Because I'm showing her a good work ethic, I'm showing her discipline, etc, etc. She does this at the gym, too. She does burpees, she works out, she has her own, like, weight set at our home gym. And the reason why it's important to know this is because they, our children, will mimic and model the good, but also the bad.
So imagine if when I communicate with her and I achieve all of these, these things, I'm never satisfied with it because that 24 hours. And she starts to pick up on that. Well, what happens when she draws for the first time? It's not good enough. So she's going to chase the next dopamine hit. She, she does a 10 or 20 burpees.
That's not good enough. She's going to chase the next thing. She's never going to learn how to appreciate those moments. So she's going to start to model that and. It's a, some people will think, well, she's going to be driven. She's going to hustle. Yes. And no, how she perceives it will create a failure. And then that I create a new generational cycle or curse because now nothing's ever going to be good enough for her.
She has to chase the next dopamine hit. She's not going to spend time with family. Cause I wouldn't spend time with her because I'm too busy chasing the thing. Dusty. She's going to be that way with her children and her children's children. And then that's how generational curses start. So what it takes is somebody, you, to be hyper aware of these things to make sure that, is this the thing that I want my children, my sons or my daughters to, to replicate?
And if not, what do I want them to replicate? What's actually maybe a different way to look at this so I can still show them that work ethic and discipline is good. But they don't have to like overdo it, right? Because when we think about the chasing aspect of things, most people chase trophies, they chase awards, they chase accolades, they chase the things, the external validations.
And whenever we talk to anybody who is chasing something externally, they become emotionally unavailable because it's kind of like Somebody who drinks all the time. They're numbing their emotions. So they think that drinking, getting drunk, is making them feel good. I used to think this way too. That I can't be normal or function normally unless I have some liquor.
I can't believe I used to really think that way, but you can see how how wrong that is to to drink excessively to get drunk all the time in order to feel is the thing that's actually causing an emotional void because usually just like me when you're drinking. It's because you're trying to numb something you're afraid or don't have the courage yet to, to look at, look your demons in the eyes and face.
Same thing happens with drugs, right? You start doing drugs and you think that the drugs and the high from the drugs is what's happiness, but that's fake happiness. And what happens is you numb true emotion. So you're going to be emotionally unavailable with yourself because you're chasing this new drug, this new addiction that you have, which is success.
You see how these pieces are starting to come together. So now when we think about our children. And, and showing them this emotional unavailability that we have with self, imagine the self esteem that they're gonna have. Well, the next thing's not good enough, so I gotta chase the next thing, and I'm chasing the dopamine hits.
Emotionally, they're not gonna be good with themselves. And so what happens over time? Then they start getting into relationships for the wrong reasons, they get into the wrong types of relationships, to try to fill the, the wrong type of voids. And you already know, especially if you got daughters, that is not how you want to be raising your kids.
And so that's what we have to understand, that's what we have to keep in mind of. What we actually have to teach ourselves and our children is really when we see our performance, right? Like we fall in love with the process. It's not the end state or the end result that gives us the dopamine hit. It's actually the process because if you, if you learn how to look at the process, how you perform on a daily basis, the performance aspect of getting to the end result, it's not the end result, but it's the work to get to the end result is what really makes us feel fulfilled and meaningful in our lives and we fall in love with that process than anything and everything that we do.
We'll constantly get those dopamine hits because it's that work that that we're instilling in ourselves that really makes us feel worthy of everything, you know, and when we when we have that, then we don't really need to chase an end result. Whether we get it now, a year from now, 10 years from now, the end of our life doesn't matter.
And so when you think about that, That's when you can start feeling more proud of yourself. That's when you can start feeling more grateful towards life. That's when you truly start to experience abundance in life, because you're allowing yourself to see things from a very different perspective. Thus, your children and your family start to look at things from a different perspective.
They're no longer chasing the end state. They're actually chasing that feeling of Feeling proud of themselves. Feeling like they're doing their best on a daily basis. That when my daughter wakes up early, it's because she wants to continue to identify as the person who is disciplined. Because that's what I taught her waking up early.
It's a disciplined person that does things like that. So now, instead of chasing, Well, I'm going to wake up early just so I say I, I do just so I can tell everybody I do. It's, I want to wake up early because that's what discipline people do. And I identify as a disciplined individual. See what I'm saying?
So now what happens is we teach ourselves to fall in love with that process. Thus makes us successful. And shows our children how to fall in love with that process. Thus makes them feel successful. Thus, they no longer have to chase those dopamine hits or experience those highs and lows and highs and lows.
Because they're looking at success, not from the, again, end state, but more so the, the performance, the hustle, the drive of, of, of trying, doing their best. And that leads into really the more tactical side of this training here. What we have to do. Is we have to start to number one, be aware, right? So in this training, you're becoming more aware of, you know, where this might be showing up in your life.
Then we have to understand the ramifications of, of what happens if we don't make some changes to these things. Who, who does affect not only ourselves, but more so how do we break the cycle? How do we how do we stop the curses from happening now that I'm aware now that I know that if I don't stop this train, it's going to crash into a wall.
How do I actually do this? Like, what, what, what do I need to do? Well, we have to start training the mind a little bit. Right? We have to understand that when we have something wrong in our lives, there's a protocol that we must follow to assess the situation and then understand how to solve the problem at the root.
And that's the most important thing. It's at the root. It's not, it's not the surface level problems that we need to solve. It's the root problems that cause the other problems from happening. So the first thing that we have to do is, throughout the day, I would say, In order to achieve breaking these cycles of I need the end result, I need to get to the pinnacle of all of this work, I need, I need to hit the culmination of all of these events happening, I need to hit the top of the mountain to feel accomplished, it's actually in your day to day, getting to the top of that mountain, it's learning how to be grateful for everything, it's learning how to be thankful, it's for everybody in your life that supports you.
Even the people that don't, you know, find a lesson there. It's being able to, to look at your day with gratitude that you got to wake up today, that you get an opportunity to try, that you are actually trying to build this dream life that you have, and, and like starting to fill your own cup with that.
It's learning how to take time out of your day, you know, to, to, to pull your, your children aside and teach them those lessons. If they're, if they're inquiring about, Daddy, why do you wake up so early? Don't just brush them off and let that learning lesson go away. Take the time to say, hey, this, this is kind of like what it means to be a father.
It means to, to mentor and to guide these children, so why don't I do that right now? I'm grateful that through my work ethic, that's actually training and developing my children, and I don't have to tell them how to operate. They're watching and emulating my operating system. So, Now, what I'm gonna do to make sure that I, I, I break not only my cycle, but I break their cycle, is I'm gonna set them aside.
So I took my daughter, put her on my lap, and I had a conversation. And I took the time to Help her understand at a deeper level, again, she's only four years old, at a deeper level, what discipline means, why it's important, but also the importance of rest. See, I would have probably failed her if I was like, ooh, yeah, I want to push her to be the best, the best, forgetting that she's a four year old.
You know, and for me, I'm like, well, she needs to continue to develop, but I also want to teach her discipline. So I taught her discipline, but I also said, I don't want you to wake up as early as me because you're still a kid and you need to rest and you need to develop more. And you need a good amount of sleep.
You need seven, eight hours of sleep, if not more. So why don't, why didn't daddy just wake you up a couple hours after me? I'll do it before the sun wakes up. That way we can watch the sunrise, et cetera, et cetera. And what that does is she agreed. Piggy promised, bit our thumbs, shook on it, right? That was the deal and that's what we did.
And then when I woke her up, I positively reaffirmed that, hey, based on our conversation last night, I'm waking you up. Doesn't feel so good to wake up early, does it? Do you want to go back to bed? And you can, she was actually smiling when she woke up because she was like, I don't want to go back to bed. I want to be up.
I'm up. I'm up. Just give me a second. And, you know, it took her probably two, maybe four minutes or so to shake off the sleepiness. But she was up. There was no complaining. There was no, Ugh, you're making me wake up. You're blah blah blah blah blah. And it's because, again, I'm emotionally there, and I'm present, and I'm taking these things that I'm grateful for, that, in my process, because I've fallen in love with my process, my children are starting to fall in love with my process, I get to take these lessons, slow down, so that way they can learn this at a much earlier age than I ever did.
I'm learning this shit right now. They're learning this at four years old and one year old, you know? So now I get to take this, and I, now I meet them emotionally where they're at. And now I continue to cultivate that, that emotional fortitude, thus breaking any generational curses, negative cycles or a mismatch in what they should be focused on and what can cause a dopamine hit.
Cause I can guarantee you when my daughter woke up early and she followed through on her word, that smile, when, when she, when her, when her hands were in her eyes and she, and I can just see her smile. So you got a little dimples. I can tell that that smile came from I can't believe I'm awake right now.
I can't believe that I'm up this early, you know, and that's, that's a dopamine hit, but it wasn't it wasn't her mindset saying, okay, I have to wake up early like dad. And when I successfully do that, just like dad, then I'm successful. Right? So that's an external validation. We don't want that. We want internal peace, internal purpose, internal meaning, and we want them, our children, and ourselves, you know, at the end of the day, in order to lead others, we must first lead ourselves.
We want them to understand when to feel proud, when to naturally allow those dopamine hits to hit, and that's how we really teach our children. While teaching ourselves. So again, it comes from self and that's why you have to continue to focus on yourself. Otherwise, you really do live in the darkness.
But this is how you bring all of this stuff into light. And when you connect with yourself and you teach your Children how to connect with themselves in that way. Then everything becomes good because now you know, and you build that self confidence and trust that at some point you're gonna hit target, you're going to be at the end result that you want to be at.
You trust yourself fully. Now you're like, okay, I set my GPS. I'm just going to focus on the turns. I'm just going to focus on the journey. I'm just going to focus on the views. I'm going to focus on the now. And that's, that becomes your dopamine. So when you're like, maybe you're traveling cross country, you're seeing the different seasons different states you're going through, right?
Some are like, like, some have like really nice looking trees and leaves and some places are more barren. And then some places have tornadoes that you can see from miles away. Some places it's rainy, some places it's snowing. And so you're experiencing all of these different things and seasons in the journey to the end result.
But if you were focused on the end result and you taught your children how to be focused on the end result, you miss out on the beauty of life. You miss out on the beauty of it all. And that's why people live in that darkness, because they don't understand that you That's why nothing ever feels good enough.
But if you can see that, man, I can't believe I'm on this drive. I can't believe I get to see all of this stuff. I can't believe I get to drive hundreds of thousands of miles or whatever it is to go across the country. I've never done it. You know, like you really get to experience it all. And so as you listen to this, if you start to recognize some of these traits in yourself, I do want you to be hyper aware and take some time today to Five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes to truly reflect on where this might be coming up for you with those dopamine hits, those highs and those lows.
And and start to correct the action because then I want you to, after you assess yourself, assess your environment, assess your children, assess your wife and just see, like, have I brushed off on on them in a negative way? If so, then it's time to start having some real raw conversations. Start correcting kind of yourself and if you need some help with learning how to Kind of liberate yourself from these ways of thinking I am thinking about putting together a little PDF Maybe a couple pages nothing too lengthy because I want you to actually put into action Where you learn the protocol of being aware?
Of these things understanding the ramifications and then the protocol we talked about but maybe a couple more so that way you can start to Implement that into your life if you want a copy of that or if you want me to make it in the first place Just drop the comment protocol in the comments And that way I can take a look at how many people want it and maybe I'll add it to this description.
Okay, so That will show you exactly what to do inside of this training, more in like a PDF format. You know, again, I'll keep it short and sweet so that way you can just execute and make sure that you're having conversations with yourself. Make sure that you're having conversations with your wife. Make sure you're having conversations with your kid.
But most importantly, make sure that you are present emotionally in those conversations because they're only going to be as impactful. As you are present, if you're just saying it, say it, or doing it just to do it, then it kind of defeats the purpose. Okay. So if you are ready to, to, to be that dad, do yourself, do your family favor, like this video, subscribe to the channel, implement the teachings and tell me, keep me up to date, comment on this video, comment on the next one, how your life is changing now that you're implementing some of these protocols.
I'll see you next week.